


Missing Variable

by Aoyagi (Kagetsukai)



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Angst, M/M, POV First Person, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-06 02:16:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18841594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kagetsukai/pseuds/Aoyagi
Summary: When Hakkai agreed to share Goyjo's house, he didn't know he'd want to share his bed as well.Written from Hakkai's POV





	Missing Variable

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I wrote more than 10 years ago (the time stamp shows 2008). I still like this piece and it still gives me all sorts of feelings, so I decided to post it here.

I have lost the count of the nights I've spent sitting by this window, staring into the night. Every so often, gentle rain would pour down the glassy barrier. Blessing me with some distraction. At those times, I would reach out and trace the tiny droplets with my fingers, resolved to follow their path. Then I would listen to the wind, howling madly through the invisible cracks of the wooden frames. It's always been easy to forget myself in that wild, demonic call, ringing true deep inside my soul.

Tonight, I have no such luxury.

Gojyo's bedroom doors are closed, but I can still hear his harsh breathing against her body. I don't have to be there to see the ecstasy she's approaching under his skillful hands. Her loud panting is almost deafening to my sensitive ears. I wish I could just leave and not listen to their gasps and moaning, but somehow, I'm rooted to the spot. I can't help but stay here, with the lights out, in a masochistic stupor that has long since ceased to surprise me.

It's really hard to brace myself and not barge into Goyjo's room to stop this madness. After all, it's his business to bring home whomever he chooses and do whatever he wants. Goyjo is a ladies' man; I knew that when I agreed to share his apartment. He seduces those loose women into his bed to help him forget his troubles. It's his right, but I refuse to accept it.

The noise is unbearable. Trust Goyjo to find a true screamer to screw around with. I'm sure he's not thrilled about it. Yet I know he will continue; he will bring it to an end and make her leave when the sun comes up. It's his habit by now; a very familiar one, too. Once he gets what he wants, he'll come back to me, all smiles and gritty wit. I'm already sick just thinking about it.

I don't know why I'm so bitter about this. I've spent numerous nights thinking about my reasons, but I could never come up with a satisfactory answer. I must be jealous of Goyjo, of his ability to forget himself in the arms of an anonymous girl. I could never do that; I loved Kanan too much to desecrate her memory in such fashion. My wounds are still fresh. They would open again if I let myself slide down that dangerous slope. No matter how much I crave to follow Goyjo's lead, I will never do it. Not like that.

I yearn to shut out the whole world as they reach their climax, but I am fighting a losing battle. Even with fingers shoved into my ears, I can still hear their cries. My heart is pounding quickly; I'm afraid it will jump out if I don't press my hands against my chest. This pain and longing are too much to bear. I've been alone most of my life, but ever since I tasted what it's like to be loved, I can never go back to my old, lonely self. I need a companion, a missing variable to balance my equation.

The night grows quiet again. Even if I can't hear their breathing, I know they're asleep in their oblivion. They're lying together in the arms of their sated desire to belong, to touch. I can't be a part of their ritual. Instead, I'll just stand against this cold wall. Will it to cool my fevered head. I'm waiting for somebody to come and soothe my fears, take them away and crush them under their loving touch.

An amusing thought strikes me, but I don't have enough strength to laugh through my tears. When I agreed to share Goyjo's apartment, I didn't know I'd want to share his bed as well.


End file.
